i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
