I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
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