I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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