I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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