God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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