hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
