you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
