Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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