There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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