all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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