Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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