thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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