Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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