the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
