never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The dick lei will go down in squad history
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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