speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
