By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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