when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found a bag of teeth...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
