He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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