please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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