I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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