I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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