I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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