I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
