I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
