I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
