You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
