If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
