every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
