I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
