drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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