would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
