Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
