he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
