even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
