In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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