it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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