Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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