You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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