just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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