I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
