if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
