There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
