U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
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I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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