And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
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Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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