I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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