you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
