Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
