Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
