I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
