brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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