You can't motorboat a personality
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
