He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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