Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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