Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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