I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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