I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
and you fell through a lawn chair
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
