i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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