I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
