I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
